Will I ever be able to trust him?
Posted by admin | Filed under Marriage Divorce
Ok–here is my story, any advice is greatly needed and appreciated. I met my husband when we were both 25, independant college grads and professionals (he a mil. officer, me a teacher). We dated for over 2 yrs before we got married and everything was close to perfect. Yes, we had our normal spats but he always acted so in love with me and all of my friends were so jealous….Well, after being married for only a month I got on the laptop and noticed he had left his email up, out of pure curiousity, I clicked on his messages (never in a million years intended on finding anything), well it showed he had been emailing a woman for almost **** pics of herself. He replied a few times saying, thanks that made my day and how beautiful she was. Well this was such blow because not to brag, I am a very attractive person. We have a great *** life and we love experimenting and we are both very sexual. The woman he emailed was a woman from a football message bd he visited and she would never email him directly, it was just a mass email of the men that asked her to (after she offered). Well, I confronted him and he was VERY remorsefull and apologized and said it was stupid and he would NEVER do it again.
I figured out his password to his email and checked it frequently. Well, I eventually forgave and he was called to go back to Iraq for a 15 month deployment. Let me back up for a moment the first time he was in Iraq (before we dated)he told me he had a brief sexual relationship with another soldier over there, but I never cared since he was single and it was before me. Well, he wasnt over there a month before I found out he was emailing her asking her for a **** pic of herself, they flirted back and forth and of course I confronted him AGAIN. And AGAIN he was extremely remorseful and begged for forgiveness and even cried to me, saying he couldnt live without me, etc……Well, I forgave AGAIN. After a few months I started to heal and get over it, well I checked his email out of the blue a few days ago and I found another email from her that said, I am sorry for slapping you. Of course this was such a blow and KILLED me and once I again I confronted him……He admitted they had been emailing on his military acct and he even forwarded some of them to me. He said she slapped him when they walked by each other and he swore on my life he has never cheated, I have begged him to tell me if he cheated and he is adament that he never did. The emails were flirting talking about sending **** pics and even maybe meeting…..
I am crushed…He has promised to get counseling when he gets back and is extremely remorseful. I guess I need advice. Will he EVER change? Could counseling indeed help? He won’t be home for another 11 months and I have to worry about what he is doing. I am distraught and disgusted. The way I see it, it would be a lot easier to get out now then later, but is this grounds for divorce? Should I forgive him? What do I do???
mass html email
January 3rd, 2009 at 7:29 pm
Trust is everything. IF you feel like you can’t trust him then you need to change direction in your life.
Good luck.
January 3rd, 2009 at 9:25 pm
leave the rat :O) good luck you will be fine ;o)
January 4th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Trust is very hard to build after it has been shattered. I think that counseling is worth a try but with the constant deployments it will make it hard to continue with a scheduled marriage counseling over the long term. Some of it is just standard military stress. I know when I would go on TDY or deployment it would always take time to readjust for both me and my wife. I wish you the best of luck and hope all works out with you and your husband.
January 5th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Tell him that if it happens again that you are deff leaving and to start getting over it now if he doesn’t plan on being honest
January 8th, 2009 at 9:06 am
Sweetie, he LIED TO YOU. Several times in fact, over and over. Now Im not saying that this wont change, bu tin the back of your mind youknow he is guilty and youknow that you do not deserve this treatment. If he has done this repeatedly and with the same woman it is not going to change. EVER. He will continue to do it because he knows every time he can get away with it with you. I suggest you leave him and only if he goes thru marriage counciling and proves that he is faithful do u stay, but personally from experience, he is going to cheat or lie again.
January 10th, 2009 at 8:04 am
if he hasn’t changed by now with you confronting him multiple times with expicit material . . . no he will not change. And if you want to stop being hurt every so many months, I would get out of the relationship now!
January 12th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
Well I would be upfront and tell him that you want a separation until he comes home. That gives you time to just think about yourself for now and do whats right for you. He will be over there and be dearly missing you. I would however occasionally send him care packages to make sure he has what he needs but he will also see how much he misses you. I am in a military relationship and this is how I would handle it if I were you. Email me if you need to. Good luck…
January 14th, 2009 at 11:29 am
I feel for you doll – you should not have to live life always worried if your husband is sneaking around on you. I don’t believe in divorce, but cheating is so disgusting to me that I hardly know what to say.
You do realize how likely it is that he has either already been unfaithful or will be, right?
All I would say is that, aside from sex, do y’all meet each other’s emotional needs well or do you feel like he is searching for another REAL person?
Good luck!
January 15th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
This is habitual cheating and he will not change…it is time for you to take a stand…definitely forgive but stop taking him back!!
January 18th, 2009 at 11:56 am
He has lied since the begining..and has a crying game going on….how can you stay in a relationship and be happy that way??? Let him go and move on…All this time he has been playing around behind your back…..slapping him??? Please he has cheated…she is probably tired of hiding and smacked him in frustration! ….Open your eyes.
January 21st, 2009 at 6:55 am
Wow you have given him this many chances already, why continue the same routine over and over again? It is obviously never going to stop.
January 21st, 2009 at 11:01 am
How can you forgive someone that has proven that they will be a repeat offender? You can trust this man about as far as you can throw him. There is someone else out there that would love, cherish and honor you the way you deserve. You are wasting your time with him and dragging out an inevitable and painful divorce.
January 23rd, 2009 at 2:48 am
Dump him! Period. He will NEVER change. I guaranty it.
January 25th, 2009 at 10:39 am
Sounds to me that you have already forgiven him more than once and he has decided that he can walk all over you. If he only wanted to flirt, then why can’t he with you? If you truly want to know what he is doing then I would set up a dummy email account and accidently email him and see wehre it goes. See if he tells the mystery woman that he is married. Good luck.
January 25th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
You shouldn’t have to question the honesty and faithfulness of the person who promised the rest of his life to you.
There’s a saying, Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Don’t let him continue to make a fool of you. He’s going to keep cheating as long as you keep forgiving him for it. If you’re willing to have that kind of marriage, then stay in it. But it doesn’t sound like that’s what you want, and it’s definitely not what you deserve.
Personally, I believe that if he’s emailing other women for **** pictures, and talking about meeting them, that’s the same as cheating. Come on, what do you think they’re going to do when they meet? You need to be realistic.
I really do think a person can cheat once, get caught, and then realize how much they stand to lose if they do it again. That kind of person stops cheating and never does it again. But it doesn’t sound like that’s the kind of person your husband is. He’s going to keep doing it until he realizes you’re not going to stand for it.
Good luck!
January 29th, 2009 at 1:06 am
According to my ex (a serial flirt and a srgt in the Army) He might just be sorry, because not only can he get divorced from you, he can be court marshalled as well…(Definetly Conduct Unbecoming) He’s not going to admit cheating at all — If you are getting this hurt, sometimes it hurts less to be alone….Maybe try seperating for a while, rebuild yourself…like you for yourself again (I’ve been there and I know how painful it can be!) And then see if you are even willing to go back to him…… And let me know how you are doing….I’ve been in your shoes, the internet betrayal…Also, talk to your tech at your school about a Key Logger and having one put on your computer at home…it records every key strike that’s made on the computer, so if he’s using yahoo messager, ect…you’ll know what exactly was typed…good luck honey….
January 30th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Fool me once – shame on you. Fool me twice – shame on me.
I find it SO unbelievable how many second chances this guy is getting! I mean the guy is getting away with murder and all it takes to convince you is a sobby look and a few tears and you are sold.
You teach people how to treat you. You are as much to blame for his repetative cheating as he is because you allow it! He has 0 concequences, so why would he stop?
You should have divorced this guy AGES ago.
January 31st, 2009 at 11:03 pm
Leave the loser. If you have confronted him this many times about the same thing and he keeps doing it, he’s not going to stop. No matter how remorseful he pretends to be. If he was truly sorry, he would have stopped the first time. I suggest that you kick his sorry **** out before you have children together. That would definately complicate things if you did decide to divorce later on. Do it now before it’s too late.
February 4th, 2009 at 7:12 am
Counseling is great for both. He needs help for his problem and you need to heal. Forgive him. And work to make the relationship lasting and better.
February 6th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
I was in a marriage where I KNEW he would never cheat. He hung the moon and stars as far as I was concerned. Then I just had a gut feeling something wasn’t right. Sure enough he was cheating. He cried and apologized. He never meant to hurt me. He’d go to counseling. He broke it off, ect. Guess what? He never broke it off and never went to counseling. Actions speak louder than words!!! You know deep down in your gut if you’ll ever be able to try and trust him. Listen to your gut! Mine has always been right on. I haven’t always listened to it, but in the end I wished I had. Honestly, he doesn’t seem sorry. Why put yourself through the torture of 11 months not knowing? Go on with your life. If he is sorry and he does love you, he will do the counseling first thing when he gets home. He will do anything to prove himself to you if he really wants you. You did nothing wrong!! It’s all up to him to fix this. Just move on. You’ll see what happens. Good Luck!!
February 10th, 2009 at 5:43 am
well, first off, checkin his email with out his is illegal if you did not know that. i know a man who had access to his ex’s email, deleted emails from her account, she charged him and he was charged by law. so, fyi. even if you don’t stop checkin his email, thinking because your his wife, its still an invasion of privacy. if you have to go to that lengths, what kind of marriage is it? of course he’s remorseful, it works on you. you tell him its ok by taking him back w/o any consequences except some harsh words. he’s not going to stop no matter what he tells you. he can easily open up an new account, why he hasn’t though is beyond me or at least change his password. i think you need to get yourself into counselling and never mind trying to change him. you need to get some help for yourself and get someone professional to give you advice and feedback. but if you have to violate his privacy to see if you can trust him??? theres something wrong on both parts
February 13th, 2009 at 8:29 am
If you can’t trust him, the relationship will never work. He has proven to you that he is not willing to change, and why should you live with the agony of always wondering what he is doing? That is not fair to you, and the relationship will have constant tension. Honestly, if he loves you the way that he says, then why does he continue to hurt you? I am not an advocate for divorce, but cheating is for sure grounds for divorce. There is someone else out there that wants to be with you, and only you. Don’t sit around waiting for him to change when you can move past the pain. He obviously does not respect you, or he would never lie to you and cheat on you. You deserve better.
February 16th, 2009 at 12:23 am
he wont change. if they do it once they’LL do it twice.
In his case he’s done it a lot more.
trust me i see it everyday with one of my family members.
and the worst part is that he’s lied many times. So what makes it so different this time ? iF YOU ALWAYS TAKE HIM BACK IT JUST SENDS HIM A MESSAGE THAT HE CANT DO IT AGAIN BECAUSE YOULL STAY BY HIS SIDE. hes taking you for granted by continuing. if it happends again i suggest you go on a break. atleast.
February 16th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Let him know that you want to try to resolve this as soon as possible and you need to know full details in order to decide weather you want to stay married to him. You must be honest if you expect him to be honest with you. He has broken his promises to you and his vows, I do not think i could forgive after this one. It sounds like he is not being truthful about the reason behind the slap. Get your self into counseling to help you better understand why you feel you need to stay with someone who breaks his promises to you.
February 19th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Sounds like he hasn’t learned his lesson. you know if you had proof that he cheated he can go to prison. It is illegal for married people to have an affair while serving.
It’s obvious that you don’t trust him and he is obviously pretty dumb because after the first time he should of changed his password. All i can say is that you need to go with your gut. Try the counseling but will need to make a decision to see if you really want to go through this cause the way this war is going he will be away for long periods of time. You will always be wondering what he’s doing because you don’t trust him. Why put yourself through that agony. Hope you resolve this issue
February 19th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
Hehehehe…men are dogs. No doubt. But we can’t tell you what you should do, we don’t have to live with the choice you make.
February 22nd, 2009 at 10:20 pm
*Once a Cheater Always a Cheater*
Even though he says he’s Sorry…he may still Wonder whats out there.
I’m not saying to Forgive and Forget. But to make an Attempt to save your Marriage.
You dont want to make an Decisions without giving your marriage a chance. So just go to Counseling and try to work it out!
If it still doesn’t work out then Talk to your Husband about a seperation. If you do get a Divorce…it’s for the Best!
February 24th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YES! YES HE WILL CHANGE!!!!!!!!
NOT REALLY….. actually I don’t know.
Many if not all cases we, men, never change.
But your’e hearing from a man that once cheated and hasn’t done so and hopefully never will.
Before getting married, I cheated on my wife to be. It wasn’t a total romance,just a one night stand. By that time i was confused, i didnt know if i loved her or not. and eventhough it was just a one night stand, i kept avoiding my girlfriend and spent more time with my friends. my only priority was party, drugs, friends, girls. but when i actually went ahead and had *** with another woman i realized the pain i was causing and i realized that i couldn’t live without her. so i went ahead and confessed to my wife to be. it took her a bit more than a year for her to really heal up. and today we are happily married with a baby set to be born on january next year.
So I don’t know if he will change or won’t. i guess it’s up the him to change but how do you know?
But if he’s been like that for how long? ever since you married him? chances are he won’t change. you should go counseling and see if he changes